Update as of April 14: This poem was sitting on my drafts for months until I finally rewrote it a hundred times over, and published it here on my blog. Somewhat feeling good for finishing one draft (#smallvictories), I also submitted this poem to Thought Catalog. I never really thought they’d publish it, but oh they did! Got an email today (happy screencap below) and while unbelievable I can’t help but think that maybe I still can write — even after years of drafts and recycle bins. Please click on my Thought Catalog link here. Thanks!

 

***

There is no you | A poem about letting go the idea of you

 

There is no you.
I do not think this.
I know.
There is no you.

Back then, I was clueless
Trying to belong to a season
Of writing you letters
As everyone seemed
Too fixated on a future together
With someone named you.

Now, I’m still clueless
About a lot of things
But I know a little more than then
And as surely as
My heart beats
To chase sunsets,
Catch rainbows,
Know and sing of Jesus Christ,
Honor the Philippines,
See places near and far,
Fill my bloodstream with coffee,
And be bright and happy
for my family and friends,
I know there is no you.

My little, fragile, proud heart
Has no time to be a pretty face
For you to see
Much less to speak out her mind
For you to hear
Or to simplify her ironies
For your sake.

Almost three decades
Ten thousand people
A sea of strangers
A pool of familiar faces
A room of acquaintances
A tent of lessons and memories
A table of loved ones
I see no more seat
For you.

Society would say
This is one of the saddest odes
Ever written
They would think me
Scared, or
Scarred
What they don’t know
Is that
I have cried tears of joy
Over beautiful weddings
Have foolishly gushed
Over the sweetest love stories
Each time
Reflecting if I can see that for myself
Each time
I can’t.

You,
The vision of you,
Has faded against my
Sometimes grayed-out
Sometimes colorful
Deeply Vibrant
Filled
Heart.

And it will take a miracle
An expansion
A growth
A renovation
A deeper well
A larger room
For you to exist there once again.

Maybe I will be wrong in the future
But right now
I only see a caffeine-filled journey with Jesus, my family, my country;
There is just no you.

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